heartbreaking truth and then a vision

when you work with cancer patients, you see all sorts of people cry. it's especially hard when you see large men, who seem like they'd be usually well-composed, cry. that happened today. and when it did, our nurse who is super amazing and one of the greatest nurses I've met said

"how can there be a god? when you see that kind of thing, how can there be a god?"

i know there's a god. i've experienced Him, seen Him work.. but I know that no matter how logical i reason with her, she won't be able to understand..

"man without the Spirit can't understand all that the Bible says (1 Cor 2:14)"

I don't think it's because she CANT understand but more like she chooses not to. And I think that broke my heart - that this person I respected so much would not be able to understand the hope and peace that i've been able to experience.

-----------------

later, i met up with someone i served in Hi-c with. she goes to my school now but i've been a terrible sunbae in not meeting up with her and seeing how she's doing. she's been going through the regular university struggles and is really passionate about getting to know god more.

we then got to talking about how KM and EM at church are like 2 churches and we have so many misconceptions about each other because we don't interact. she shared how she wanted to do more things together and honestly, i was so amazed. i guess i always thought the idea that people genuinely wanted to break down cultural barriers was so... unexpected/uncommon that i never expected god to actually spread that vision.

when i look at this common desire and when i look ahead to see how God's going to use the young people at church, i'm actually REALLY excited. and it reminds me that no matter how eloquent i am, or how logical i am, or how hard i try, everything's in His hands and I just gotta trust Him - even if things don't make sense, or even if things don't seem just.

Faithful

At the comment of a friend, I've decided to get off my lazy butt and start blogging again. I'm gonna write a couple entries since some of them are saved and just not published. But SO much has happened in the last two weeks that I don't know what to make of it and whether I'm stressed or not about it all. But I'm learning to take each day as God gives it to me and to trust that He's got it all covered :)

Chris Tomlin has a new album that I now have thanks to a different friend. One of the songs, I've been listening to on repeat because it SO speaks to what i'm going through right now and it's a HUGE encouragement.




Faithful, forever You are faithful
Father to the fatherless
You uphold the one who feels forsaken
You are faithful, God

Faithful, forever You are faithful
Lover of the wounded heart
You defend the poor and the forgotten
You are faithful, God

And I will sing to the maker of Heaven and Earth
God, You reign forever and Your will endure
Faithful and true is the name of the Lord
You are faithful, God

Faithful, forever You are faithful
Shelter for the fragile soul
You lift us up, You hold us all together
You are faithful, God

You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God

Encouraging Words

Just got an email from my pastor with encouraging words:

Don't try to run the world, or your world, or try to bear that weight
They're such simple words but I think the way they're put made me realize further how silly it is to try to control your own life. "controlling my life" seems so simple.. but "controlling my world" seems impossible.

Another good friend of mine sent me 1Peter 5:1-11.
"God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble and oppressed."
I am SUCH a proud person. I hate showing people weakness, I hate showing people that I can't do something, I hate asking for help.
But at the same time, I really DO want to be a humble person.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under Gods mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
I think I'm still learning what this means... to put myself in His hands; to cast my anxiety on him. For me, I think I'm really okay with putting long-term things in His hands. I know that in the end, He'll use me for something but it's the getting there that gets me agitated and I don't know what to do with myself..

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Yea, this is so not me. Just the fact that I like to bury my sadness I think makes me less alert of myself and my relationship with God and with others. Being someone who can't think straight or isn't really in touch with her emotions is actually kind of distractingly frustrating.

Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your fellow believers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
People have been SO encouraging and I actually REALLY thank God for that. I think i'm slowly and painfully starting to dig the ground so that i can rebuild a firm foundation and the fact that thre are people praying for me who have gone through this kind of thing is even more encouraging

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Yes. This is the reason I don't break out crying every day anymore -haha. I'm definitely excited for the end and I guess now, even, the process.

To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.


1 Peter 5:1-11

Finding Rest

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"

I'm really trying to find what gives me rest these days. I asked my parents and both of them said QT in their own ways - my mom it's just spending her GO train ride praying; my dad it's Lectio Divina. For others, it's through taking walks in nature and for others, it's through praise.

I don't know how to take rest. Phil once asked me how I take care of myself and I realize that I don't. Sure, I play a lot, but I think playing, doing dishes, and rearranging furniture are all ways I run away from my problems and give me that time that I don't have to think of things.

The passage above is pretty interesting. I realized that I've been trying so hard to find rest in things of the world and things that I do by myself and this is a good reminder that Jesus says "come to me" and not to other things, people, or places.

I still don't know what it looks like to fully give up control of my life, but I'm excited to see the outcome especially since I have a ton of people praying for me :)

on a path to healing

Okay so I really apologize for the really emo posts but this is seriously what i'm going through right now. After a week of tons of crying and really trying not to go downstairs or, rather, trying to spend more time with myself, I've come to many good conclusions. So.. you know that story of the sower man who sowed seeds and some of them fell on good soil, rocks, bad soil, etc? I feel like right now, everything's falling on rocks.

This week was full of melting and breaking those rocks and hooooh man, it was painful. I think my Christian life has been really stagnant the past couple years and I've buried a lot of hurt that it's starting to catch up to me and I have to deal with it sooner or later. I've decided that I need to go home next term and if the jobmine glitch at school works, I'll be working at Sunnybrook doing research. Even though it pays crap (apparently), I'm excited to be able to go home and back to my home church with people I feel SUPER close with :)

I'm excited to move on and forget certain feelings for certain people =P I'm planning on getting another job (hopefully starbucks!) and I'm excited to finally be at home for an extended period of time.

ON a lighter note, this week's glee episode was CRAAAAZY. Totally unexpected. The girls' rendition of "living on a prayer" by Bon Jovi was amazing as well!

let's get out of this dump

So lately, I've not been feeling myself. Although I'm with people, which i normally LOVE, I no longer get energy from them. I feel constantly anxious, stress, whatever you call it, and I have no idea what it's from.

Today at Creekside, I have to admit I didn't go in with a very open heart and more out of duty? I didn't know one of the songs and they sang "Breathe" which I like to be slow because it gives me a time to meditate while singing. But they sang it too fast and at 830 in the morning, i just gave up trying to think during the song and just sang along. The lady behind me didn't clean out her nose or something because for the whole worship and during the sermon, I could only hear whistling every time she breathed. It was SO distracting.

So i prayed. I prayed that God would tune out everything and just speak to me.

Surprisingly enough, I didn't pay attention to the whistling (which i didn't realize until after) and God really showed that He's still with me even in this slump that I"m having.

Ken Taylor had asked "Are you anxious? Stressed?" Remember that the Holy Spirit lives IN you. I think I have completely forgotten this for the past couple years even. I know that Jesus gives us strength and I ask for it all the time. But I always forget there's someone else even closer to me and that He's willing to intercede for me, be there every step of the way. It was definitely a God-given reminder.

you are my resting place

Sabbath: a day of rest and worship

I was asked in an interview this week whether I'd rather have a job where there were ups and downs or rather steady. I replied I'd like ups and downs because I love feeling challenged but also having breaks.

This term, I'm doing a ton more. I'm doing small groups, being more involved in KCF, actually meeting new people, studying a ton more, watching NO dramas, reading more, cleaning more, being involved in Konnect, going to church. Yet, although I feel like i'm a million times busier, I'm not overly stressed.

What's the difference?

One thing different this term is the amount of time i'm spending with God. I'm enjoying every moment I get with him and i feel as though I'm renewed when I do take the time to put aside my thoughts and judgements about how the world should be and just ...

rest.

Matthew 11:28 says
"come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest"

I felt so tired this weekend. Frustration from a million things seemed to come to me in one day and I had no one to turn to. Being the immature Christian I am, I didn't even turn to God. It wasn't even something I thought about doing.

Yet when I dragged myself to church on Sunday, I was given so much rest. I was able to stop, slow down, and just be with the person who knows me even more than I do. And through this realization, I was able to lay everything on Him and just...


sigh.

kcf blessings (part 2)

Last year, I would never have done what I did tonight. I trekked in the snow to the gym just to watch the KCF people play basketball and cheer them on.

I haven't felt this sense of community in Waterloo for a long time.

I blogged a couple of weeks ago saying that I felt awkward around people. A friend told me something along the lines of if I see it as a problem, it will always be a problem. Another friend told me that to trust people, sometimes I just need to trust them first instead of waiting to see them be trustworthy.

In John 1:39, Jesus says "come and see," not "see and come."

Lately, I feel like i've been going and seeing, and God has been uber good in showing me many many many things.

I'm really looking forward to what else He has to show me.



Tear down the walls see the world
Is there something we have missed
Turn from ourselves
Look beyond
There is so much more than this

And I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this
Fire burning deep inside my heart

Look to the skies hope arise
See His majesty revealed
More than this life there is love
There is hope and this is real

Cause I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising
As Your glory floods our hearts
Let love tear down these walls
That all creation would
Come back to You
It’s all for You

Your Name is glorious
Glorious
Your love is changing us
Calling us
To worship in spirit and in truth
As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters
Who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You
We will see Your spirit rising
As the lost come out of hiding
Every heart will see this hope we have in You

Cause I don’t need to see it to believe it
I don’t need to see it to believe it
Cause I can’t shake this fire burning
Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising
As Your glory floods our hearts
Let love tear down these walls
That all creation would
Come back to You
It’s all for You

Your Name is glorious
Glorious
Your love is changing us
Calling us
To worship in spirit and in truth
As all creation returns to You
(x2)

getting rid of the legalistic christian in me

There's a lot of good things about being brought up in a Christian family and then there are a couple of bad things as well. One of those things being the mentality I was brought up with.

I was always taught to do good and not to sin and I guess that's a good place to start with kids, but I feel like the whole relationship with God part was left out way too long. If my grade 6 sunday school teacher didn't teach us about how God loves us and to erase our sins forever, He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us, then I feel like I'd be really lost and confused in my faith and in life.

Even now, I feel like a lot of my Christian walk has been in that mentality of doing "what a christian should do." I get upset at myself for not faithfully waking up at the same time to read the bible and pray or for not going to church in Waterloo. Although I these are things that I want to do to become closer to God, I know the reason i'm getting mad at myself isn't the right one (i don't even know if that makes sense)

I was reading luke 6 this morning (courtesy of my mom's "read the bible in a year excel spreadsheet) and it was talking about how the religious leaders / Pharisees were trying to find a reason to accuse Jesus of something. Jesus knew what they were thinking of doing and in response, he healed a man. He healed this man on the Sabbath (a day where you're not supposed to do any work).

I've read this story a million times and I've studied it in manuscript but today, when I read it, I kind of felt really frustrated. Here in front of them is THE Jesus, the guy who saves humanity and all they can do is try to find something he does wrong. You'd think that by this time - seeing that He hasn't done wrong, but is doing good stuff - that they'd figure, hey maybe we should follow this guy.

I'm the same.

Sometimes, I'll catch myself during a sermon, prayer, or just talking, "oh.. they should have said this instead of that." I find myself looking at the details in what the person is saying instead of what the person is saying (if you know what i mean?) That frustrates me. It frustrates me how I used to be told to change all my 'he's to "Hes". It frustrates me how some people told me not to chew on the bread at communion because it's like crucifying Jesus' body again and again.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at here - haha. I still dont' even think i know really know how to blog.

But here i am, this is me :)