my new toy

have a volleyball tournament that i have to wake up in <5 hours for so going to make this brief.

realized that
A. i hate relying on family camera to take photo of events
B. i'm graduating.. want to grab lots of memories of last year
C. i just want one

so i bought a camera.. nothing special
canon ELPH100 point and shoot.
main reason for buying: it wasn't too fancy or too gheto and it came with a free case :)


f

retreat preview

fluke of the day

was dragged into a badminton tournament with my dad who was also forcefully signed up. originally didn't wnat to play, but i'm glad i did - got to bond with my dad and i think we've decided we're going to go play badminton once a week from now on.

even though i havne't played since high school and it was my dad's first time playing, we somehow managed to get to the finals (where we got massacred) but ended up getting second!

<3 daddy

exciting!

i don't talk to my brother much.

there's a saying in korean culture where if you have a grade 12 student in the house, the whole family stops breathing. that's my house. sometimes i feel like i'm too old for him and i feel bad because i want to understand him and be on his side, but sometimes we just don't match.

so then we don't talk.


but today, he came up to me and said he met someone who knew me. backtrack. my brother is doing this government program where you get money to set up your own business and you get to keep all the profits. he had a bbq today and met someone in palliative care. when he mentioned that i was in palliative care and my name, she said she knew me from the Hospice Palliative Care conference i did an oral paper at in April.

i was super excited and i think my brother was too :) so 2 things exciting happened today.

god is good. all the time.

heartbreaking truth and then a vision

when you work with cancer patients, you see all sorts of people cry. it's especially hard when you see large men, who seem like they'd be usually well-composed, cry. that happened today. and when it did, our nurse who is super amazing and one of the greatest nurses I've met said

"how can there be a god? when you see that kind of thing, how can there be a god?"

i know there's a god. i've experienced Him, seen Him work.. but I know that no matter how logical i reason with her, she won't be able to understand..

"man without the Spirit can't understand all that the Bible says (1 Cor 2:14)"

I don't think it's because she CANT understand but more like she chooses not to. And I think that broke my heart - that this person I respected so much would not be able to understand the hope and peace that i've been able to experience.

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later, i met up with someone i served in Hi-c with. she goes to my school now but i've been a terrible sunbae in not meeting up with her and seeing how she's doing. she's been going through the regular university struggles and is really passionate about getting to know god more.

we then got to talking about how KM and EM at church are like 2 churches and we have so many misconceptions about each other because we don't interact. she shared how she wanted to do more things together and honestly, i was so amazed. i guess i always thought the idea that people genuinely wanted to break down cultural barriers was so... unexpected/uncommon that i never expected god to actually spread that vision.

when i look at this common desire and when i look ahead to see how God's going to use the young people at church, i'm actually REALLY excited. and it reminds me that no matter how eloquent i am, or how logical i am, or how hard i try, everything's in His hands and I just gotta trust Him - even if things don't make sense, or even if things don't seem just.

in memory

one of my favourite patients passed away the other day. he has a daughter the same age as my brother. i think the fact that he wouldn't be able to see his daughter's graduation really hit home for me since my brother's graduating this year too.

up until his last days, this patient was having chemo. and i kind of feel almost angry that he did just because he was clearly declining and obviously needed more social work than curative; i guess it IS mainly up to the family... but still...

in memory...

high tea @ vaughan

I have to admit... i thought high tea would be a lame idea. But it was actually one of the most fun events I've been to in a while. Great food made by men, great laughs with fellow women, and realization of such creative talents we have in the church

AMAZING FOOD


Such creative people/hats


Even a Princess Beatrice look-alike


Pretty flowers


Me and jane had hairband fascinators. I think they were quite nice

summer lessons

life is moving too fast for me to keep up in the blog world. Since i like lists, here's my current life in list form

current initiatives
- red life stage leadership @ church - retreat prep, vball tournament in the works
- online training for undergrad thesis project
- finishing up 2 manuscripts at work. seeing if i can do another
- looking into applications for grad schools (first deadline is nov)
- application to osap
- housing arrangements
- softball (2-0 babyyy)

learned lessons in a few sentences
- what you complain about other people can often be found in yourself
- sometimes god gives you difficult people to become a more patient person; and sometimes he also gives you difficult people to realize what NOT to do
- when you object to a collective decision, you're assuming you are the sole person who is correct
- choose your battles - no one likes a complainer; or a micromanager
- obedience is freedom - so true

still to dos
- amazing race @ church; coffee house @ church
- explore downtown toronto
- buy clothes with more colour (realized most of my wardrobe consists of navy blue, black and grey)

i want one!

met my neighbour yesterday and he has one of these... i want one T_T

i heart nerds

ohhh man had a good laugh from this today

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
"Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle

I find it sad how most don't get to "acceptance".

Today I had a patient who was terrified of dying. As she goes home with home palliative care, I sincerely hope her and her family can find peace.

did you know...

cpr only works max 30% of the time...
in oncology patients it's <10%
even so, the quality of life sucks after cpr

yet people generally think it works 75% of the time. Why? because 75% of cpr performed on TV works.

ubc

this is awesome.

I think if i were still looking for an undergrad school i might apply to UBC just for this

random thoughts

everyone's getting engaged or into relationships. God, where is mine? Didn't you make Eve for Adam since he was lonely? There must be a boy out there who needs me - i think you should end his misery :D

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I asked god to give me more patience. After giving me the most difficult boss, I think i'm a tiny bit more patient. Praise god for trials and tribulations

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I think I might regret not telling him before he goes. But for now, I just need to be me :)

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I realized I have multiple circles of friends with select people from each group that I'm close with. Most people have one circle of friends who they're close with and satellite people. I think that's why it's so hard for me to be focussed on waterloo people right now - i'm in church friend mode... is that a bad thing?

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If someone's let you down and they don't know it - do you tell them?

palliative care

i think i've said this a lot in the past but this time I'm serious - I love my co-op job. I actually don't dread going to work and i love the people I work with, the patients, the doctors. But before i go on....

palliative care: health care that, rather than focusing on curative aspects, focuses on improving the quality of life in patients with chronic illnesses that may not have a cure. This is done through pain and symptom management; physical, psychosocial, spiritual management; all the way to end of life preparation and care.

A lot of people ask me "Well isn't that depressing?" I thought it would be too, but it's actually kind of rewarding to meet people and sometimes make their day a little better by being a part of their care. I've had patients cry on me when I remembered their name, or patients thank the doctor millions of times saying that they're the only doctor they look forward to seeing. I've had patients who come in grumpy but leave happy and a little less anxious about their state/being.

There's a huge potential for ministry in this field and I think I"m really starting to love it. Although 3 of my patients have already passed away in the 2 months that I've been here, it's still really rewarding to be able to be a part of the care that gives patients a chance to have comfort.

kaput

what do you do with a passion that's kind of died?
something that takes so much energy to even think about.
you used to have a passion for this, but you're just sick and tired of it.
what do you do?

superbowl commercial

cutest kid ever

sit at the table

I had a friend send me this TED video on Why we have too few women leaders. It's SUCH an encouraging and empowering video to not just women but people who doubt their own capability and think they don't really have leadership capacity.

let's work out!

So i've been going to the gym consistently for the past 6 weeks. I have to say i'm actually pretty impressed with myself. I never would have thought that i actually LIKED going to the gym. There's been like one or two days in the whole 6 weeks that I've been like OMG i can't go! But other than that, i've been going every other day or 4 times a week. I can see results which I think is motivating me to go even more.

a friend wrote on her blog today that she loves the feeling of coming OUT of working out but hates the pre-session. THis is mainly written for her as an encouragement.

My fitness tester today said that working out happens in phases.

Phase 1: Foundation
Just get your butt to the gym. You might not see results in this section so don't even weigh yourself

I'm still in this stage but I think it's working so far. I'm getting in the habit of going to the gym - it's almost second nature to me and i feel like crap if i don't go.

So to my friend - just hang in there my dear! And maybe when you've used up all your classes, your body needs a change in exercise!

My goal until september - be comfortable in my own body, be able to run up to the top floor of MC without dying on the way, be a better eater.

My long term goal? Look like them: (teehee)

jars of clutter

So i'm back to that state.
Where i have so much on my mind but I don't know half of what is going on in my mind.

I think I thought that being at home, it'd be easier to open up and to share and to find what's been buried in my heart that's causing me so much grief.

But i went out with one of my good friends yesterday and I just sat there. I didn't know what to say or how to start and I still don't know what I would say if she were right here.

January's almost over and I'm realizing that 8 months isn't as long as I thought it would be.

Meeting up with Pastor Joe on tuesday so hopefully that's a good starting point...

the time of our lives

had dinner with the unit 502 girls + some extras =P

it was a really strange but good feeling.

back in the day, we'd go to someone's family's house and eat the food made by the mom, play some games, have sleep overs.

even though i've been living on my own for a long time, to be at dolly's cousin's condo and exchanging secret santa gifts, making food, having fun... it was all sort of surreal. Maybe it's because it was in Toronto, but the fact that we're at an age where we are now hostesses of parties... or we get together and WE are the ones cooking; all of that was so surreal and weird.

But unlike the usual freak out that I have about getting old, it was nice. It was a reminder that you know what? we're 22 soon but that's no where near old. this is the time of our lives where we're not bound by families whether it be parents, husbands or kids.. so we just have to enjoy it!

On a sadder note, just heard about the 40 car pile-up north of orillia. a 22 year old girl was killed and that just reminded me of just how young we are. If we're too young to die, then we're still young. Which means... i shouldn't be feeling old for a VERY long time (maybe til i'm 80)

trying a new language

i had a friend tell me that speaking languages she's not comfortable in is kind of daunting and scary but that she's gonna take a risk and take a class where she's forced to do just that.

we had our praise team potluck today and aside from the fact that i'm not eating dinner because i'm just too full, i think i came away with a greater excitement to be on praise team. but ultimately, I think i came away with the desire to try something new.

so.
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.
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next month, i'm going to try to play keys. which is a huge step for me because improvising is something totally non nature to me. even though i'm done piano, it's all things i was TOLD to do. trying to make my own music.. that's... haha yes

mindless?

this week was a whirlwind at work and I don't even remember half of it. Tons of office politics and learning when's the right time to ask questions or just wait for people to cool down from being mad at other people. overall though apparently i'm efficient, quick to learn, and integrate well in the team.

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popcorn chicken at teashop 168 is... AMAZING

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rekindling old friendships is SUCH a good feeling

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today had lots of potential camera moments. i need a second job so i can buy myself some stuff -_-

work

Work has been SO rewarding. Not only do I love my team and what palliative care IS, but I think I've found my niche. Research is SO exciting and to be part of a team that takes problems from the clinical perspective and does research on it to make things more applicable... now THAT is real research.

One of the studies I'm working on is a prognosis study.
Prognosis = estimation of how long someone has to live
Basically... it's not accurate at all and I'm going to be presenting that at a conference in april. Quite excited!

And last week I got to translate for a korean patient because the Korean translator wasn't available. HOW REWARDING to be able to understand both sides and facilitate communication.

Finding out that I'm working with a family friend was pretty cool too.

Definitely loving it so far. Hopefully it's this exciting for the next 8 months! And hopefully (cross fingers) I'll be able to integrate after I graduate :D

2011 Resolutions

• go to the gym more (check! been going every other day. This week going to attempt going every day. But definitely PAYING for a membership motivates me to use it)
• rest more. like REAL resting. Haven't been really good at it to admit but this past weekend didn't go out as much because I KNEW i would regret it if i did
• read the bible every day. Already failed at this despite having daily verses sent to my phone

gonna narrow it down to that for now.

Faithful

At the comment of a friend, I've decided to get off my lazy butt and start blogging again. I'm gonna write a couple entries since some of them are saved and just not published. But SO much has happened in the last two weeks that I don't know what to make of it and whether I'm stressed or not about it all. But I'm learning to take each day as God gives it to me and to trust that He's got it all covered :)

Chris Tomlin has a new album that I now have thanks to a different friend. One of the songs, I've been listening to on repeat because it SO speaks to what i'm going through right now and it's a HUGE encouragement.




Faithful, forever You are faithful
Father to the fatherless
You uphold the one who feels forsaken
You are faithful, God

Faithful, forever You are faithful
Lover of the wounded heart
You defend the poor and the forgotten
You are faithful, God

And I will sing to the maker of Heaven and Earth
God, You reign forever and Your will endure
Faithful and true is the name of the Lord
You are faithful, God

Faithful, forever You are faithful
Shelter for the fragile soul
You lift us up, You hold us all together
You are faithful, God

You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God