triumphs and fears

It's funny how the realization that emotions does not equate to faith is so simple, yet so difficult to grasp - until you experience it.

Setting: Retreat 2009, Friday night worship
Accompanying people: me and God
Request of interest: "I don't know what to do with the future! God, I want to do what's 'right' but I don't know where to go"

That night, Pastor Will had retold how when we have talents, we are supposed to use them, or they will be taken away. I envy many people. I am completely unartistic, I have lost a lot of my musicality, I am a terrible student, and I have nothing that I'm really good at. I asked God that night to show me my talents - what I'm good at.

Setting: Retreat 2009, Saturday morning small groups
Accompanying people: me and retreat small group
Request of interest: "I don't know what my talents are"
Response: "You are a connector of people. It's harder to do than you think"

I never thought of that as a talent. I don't know if I still do. But I know it's something that I can do, and something that I'll continue to use.

Setting: Retreat 2009, Sunday worship
Accompanying people: my small group for the retreat
Question of interest: "What is it about failure that so intimidates you?"

Sometimes people say the most perfect things and things that you need the most without knowing it.Normally, I would stubbornly, retaliate and say "what the heck? who are you to say that? you don't even know me." But I didn't.

I've blogged about worrying about failure before - about looking like an idiot. Yes, I know it's stupid, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm utterly terrified and run away from every risk or chance in attempt of avoiding the sheer possibility of failing at something.

I'm terrified of disappointing my parents.
I'm terrified of being a useless person.
I'm terrified of depending on people.
I'm terrified of failing myself.

I hate it when people tell me I can get into med school because I'm smart. I'm not.
I hate it when people tell me I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it because I feel like I have to prove them right or I'll disappoint them.
I hate it when I have dreams for myself because I never feel like I can really attain them.

I am terrified of failure, and I hate it.

This retreat gave me few answers and if anything, more questions. It gave me no spiritual high or feeling that I can conquer Satan or go out and evangelize to the world. It did, however, give me a sense that God is there for me even in my greatest fears and He'll send people like my small group to show me the way.